| it's been a really really really long time. |
[16 Feb 2009|05:49pm] |
|
i've changed alot. i'm almost 17 now, i've grown up a bit.
but honestly, i'm in the same effing rut i've been in with my si situation.
i'm about 2 weeks clean.
i dont go to counselling anymore, my parents believe i'm 'cured' but i'm so not.
i dont cut on my wrists anymore, i cut my hips.
it's alot easier to hide.
my boyfriend broke up with me when he found out about my 54243414134th relapse.
///// but we're together again.
and now all i want to do is cut because this time, he isnt the reason holding me back. he's the reason why i want to.
i feel used, guilty and ashamed. all because of him. and all i want is one cut to make it better.
and i dont even care who's reading this.
|
|
| been awhile. |
[03 Feb 2008|05:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the way she feels- between the trees |
] |
hmm.
well.
i'll catch you.
first of all i was so proud of myself and threw away all of my cutting tools.
:]
then i found something to do it with. :/
but.
its been like almost a week again, so.
yay.
made some cool new friends.
:]
and whatnot.
dad's gay.
as always.
grounded.
for 2 months?
maybe,.
(subject to change)
singlenesssss.
woot.
erm.
sucking at school.
yayayayayay.
:|
yeah theres no point in this so i'll just stop now.
|
|
| oh my freaking gosh. |
[17 Jan 2008|03:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
Ugh.
Well.
Lets update again.
1st and foremost i carry razors in my purse now.
i know i know.
not good.
who gives a crap.
2nd: I had a crush.
but now i'm not so sure.
3rd: My dad's really freaking gay.
as always,
and i'm still grounded.
yay.
not.
4th:
i'm failing english.
i'm really not even trying in school anymore.
its a waste of time.
Lets just stop counting: it always seems like everyone's wayyyyyy more happy then me.
and i'm extremely jealous.
i pretty much suck at life.
yeah.
go shani.
ugh.
gosh i'm soo ughhhh.
and and and.
you know what i found out?
cutting releases endorphins right?
yeah.
and if i keep relying on cutting to make me happy, my body will stop producing endorphins until i cut myself.
so.
main point being: i'll only be happy if i cut myself.
sound like an addiction to you?
i think so.
|
|
| day. |
[10 Jan 2008|03:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
my day was okay.
school's getting pretty freaking hard.
specially since i was sick those days...
anyway.
choir was fun.
:]
natalie you rock.
:p
ugh.
but today was kinda lonely.
probably cause i dont have someone behind me walking while all he wants is in my pants.
which is good,
i guess.
just lonely.
want some new lover.
on the real.
kinda wanna cut.
but i can stop myself.
:]
hopefully.
|
|
| so. |
[09 Jan 2008|05:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
not good enough for the truth in cliche-escape the fate |
] |
I broke up with my boyfriend today.
i feel alot better.
i was actually hurting him.
ya know?
like not telling him i was losing feeling for him and whatnot?
yeahh.
so.
i cutnbjaskdfnqiaofhuefjldsafjklfdjsklf today.
it hurts.
alot.
but it was good.
ooh.
nother question?
how about anyone cutting themselfs?
does it ever stop hurting?
like when you cut you cant even feel it?
like numb?
\
fjdsipffwerowdkf;/ds
i know.
weird.
|
|
| ew. |
[08 Jan 2008|03:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
curious |
] |
i feel gross.
so my dad banned me from the computer.
aha.
thats funny.
i'm just gonna get back on again.
IDIOT.
anyway.
does anyone ever feel like they miss being depressed?
i dont know.
it may be weird..
but i do.
like i miss my reason for cutting.
or maybe i just miss cutting.
i dont know.
but like,
i miss when i had to hide my arms and tell people there was nothing wrong with me.
and i miss when i could feel my scars on my wrist.
maybe i'm an attention whore.
AWESOME.
|
|
| ugh. |
[05 Jan 2008|04:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
i feel ew.
sick and hurting and gross.
its disgusting.
srsly.
i wanna cutnisdfjhwiejlrowiekrlw.enkjrwel again.
seriously.
it felt amazing yesterday.
:D
but i really shouldnt have done it.
:/
ughhh.
who wantsta playy russian roulette?
|
|
| suprise suprise. |
[04 Jan 2008|04:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
shani....
did something.
again.
i cut myself.
urghh.
i feel bad about it.
but i need to.
it makes me feel better.
idk what my problem is.
i'm so retarded.
and gross.
and half black.
i hate myself.
(wow wonder how emo i can sound)
ugh.
well i'm pretty sure my depressions coming back. this is great.
awesome.
fabulous.
ugh.
i hateeeee my life.
|
|
| ughh. |
[03 Jan 2008|03:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
blech.
i havent cut in about a week.
:/
i know.
not really an accomplishment.
but.
i'm trying.
ugh.
so still grounded.
UGH.
my dad is so retarded.
"Dad, its been three months. ((not really but he thinks it has been))"
"IT WAS 14 YEARS BEFORE YOU STaRTED CUTTING."
SHUTUP !!!!!
gah i hate him.
not really.
i really really really dont like him.
Ugh.
and school SUCKED.
fer sure.
ugh.
see ya.
|
|
| well that's about gay. |
[28 Dec 2007|05:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
totally.
freaking.
awesome.
so my dad's effing retarded and tells me to help him out and do this one thing for him.
so i was, mmkay dad.
what?
so i did what i was told to do and apparently,
i did it wrong.
so my dad calls me and goes,
"hsjfdkfjieowelrw! **** shani ! I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING AND WHAT DO YOU DO? SCREW IT UP ! AS ALWAYS !"
so i hang up on him.
he calls again.
"shani, you seem confused."
"i'm not confused, dad."
"fine. then whatever. talk to you later bye."
*shani rips her skin up into multiple shreds*
whee.
it was his fault.
and they will not find out.
if they do i'm screwed.
for life.
*story of the day.*
|
|
| another. sorry. |
[11 Dec 2007|04:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
i forgot.
i got so close to cutting yesterrdayy,
man i can still see that knife.
it was like 4 inches long !!
not even lying.
fer sure.
:D
It was crazy.
anyway, go about yer buiness
|
|
| hmmph. |
[05 Nov 2007|05:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
yeahh.
weekend rap up.
friday: degrassi was on !
spinner has cancer:[
me and my mom made up.
saturday:talked to bf.
:]
dad was annoying.
said him and my mom might split up.
awesome.
:/
sunday:
dad apologized for saying it was my fault..
i forgave.
and for the heck of it...
monday ((one week anniversary!)): bf said he loved me:]]
no school tomorrow.
today's a good day:]
woo.
feeling better.
its nice.
except, i'm gonna be put on new meds. ew.
|
|
| rrrrrrr. |
[31 Oct 2007|03:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
okay.
freaking. great.
so yeah.
pretty much all of my family has turned against me.
and i was pretty sure i could count on my grandma still.
but no.
so.
i'm never going to rehab.
she told me to scare me.
haha. freaking scary.
now i have all my freaking friends worried sick,
and am MAJORLY depressed.
real freaking nice.
gosh.
my family wants me to open up with them,
but how am i supposed to do that if they lie to get my attention?
|
|
| sorry god. |
[29 Oct 2007|06:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
im feeling terrible for putting God down.
and cursing him.
i'll eventually learn from all this stuff he's giving me,
and he has a reason he's doing this to me.
so i should have never doubted him.
i'll praise him in this storm he's making.
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped my tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
i repent. i repent. i repent. i repent. i repent. i repent. i repent.
matthew 10.
|
|
| i hate my life. |
[28 Oct 2007|04:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
i havent posted here in awhile, and i figure now is a good time to update.
im still cutting and saturday, my fucking mom found out.
i hate my psychiatrist. he sucks.
he told my mom.
and now,
everything is gone.
here's a list.
phone/cell.
tv.
stereo.
friends.
horseback riding.
guitar.
piano.
life.
makeup.
life.
RAZORS.
omigod.
i seriously hate my parents right now.
they have no clue what's going on in my head.
my dad's gonna knock me out.
and my mom just sits back and watches.
hahaha.
shani your dad's gonna beat you.
hahahaha.
my dad told me to get out of his face and move back to california.
and my mom said im being pretty hard to love right now.
okay.
i'll ran away and kill myself.
thank you goodbye.
obviously God doesnt care.
or else he would do something right about now.
and apparently, i'm so psycho.
my psychiatrist said i would have stopped by now if things were different in my head.
translation:psychoooooo.
and i have this gay mood disorder thing.
awesome.
more pills.
thank you God.
:]
lgjkdosjgzdfkljgklgjakfqkwa!
|
|
| wow. |
[09 Oct 2007|03:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wolfbiker:evergreen terrace |
] |
so.
let us update again.
its been a long long time...
love:
crush- doesnt like me.
like someone new.
will never happen though.
parentals:a little better.
except for my whole family thinks i'm crazyy.
in which i'll explain, NOW.
depression/cutting etc: 2 weeks clean starting tomorrow.
on "prozac" for depression..
i might change to lexapro.
i might have borderline personality disorder.
sleep: not much better.
having suicidal dreams..
etc.
friends: pretty good.
cant tell them much, dont want them to bust a cap, but they are concerned:/
ex's:still fighting with the last one.
but i think i never got over.. something.
:/
|
|
| hmm. |
[24 Sep 2007|04:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
so today,
my crush got told i liked him, and he said he "kinda figured"
WHAT THE HECK?
so does he like me back?
or not?
gah i'm so confused.
haha.
so my ex was totally flirting today, too.
what should i think of that?
and my friend told me she was bicurious?
wow.
i didnt even know there was such a term!
ugh.
relationshipssss.
|
|
| i kinda died here. |
[17 Sep 2007|04:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
sup.
i kinda died.
so lets recap.
i'm addicted to chocolate now. (not even kidding.)
clean for:10 days.
clean from self hitting or whatever: an hour. :/
almost did an eraser burn todayy.
been very irritable lately.
tired.
bored.
worried.
anxious.
etc.
really liking a boy.
and one of my ex's.
but i wont ever date him again.
EVER.
he's the reason i started cutting.
:/
bleh.
anyway.
gotta bunch a crap to do.
sigh.
|
|
| oh yeah. |
[12 Sep 2007|03:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none:/ |
] |
updates.
last time to cut: LAST WEDNESDAYYY! (one week aniversary.)
last time for any self-abuse: yesterday. (i'm working on that..)
last time to talk to my dad: yesterday:/
last time to talk to God: ABOUT 2 MINUTES AGOOO:]
last time to get a hug: two hours ago. :] ((i like this guyy))
last time to cry: almost two hours ago, but last night for real.
Doing better?
yesssss.
i believe soo.
SO YEAH.
LESSROCKNROLLKIDDS.
|
|
| i need... something. |
[12 Sep 2007|03:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i need you: relient k |
] |
i'm not sure what.
i just do.
dude,
so many temptations.
i just wanna give in go back to the way things were.
:/
i see my psychologist today:]
dude.
i love it now.
i actually tell him things and he actually helps me with my problems.
its great man.
ugh.
i got called a bi**h today.
and got a d on my test.
and took a test that i know i failed.
and i didnt give in.
well i did for like two seconds.
but the eraser burn didnt work.
so.
technically,i didnt give in.
:]
LETS CELEBRATE, YO.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
starsandscars8's journal